Double Joy and Trillion Pain.

Assalamu'alaikum. It's been 9 years after my first child was born that I finally conceived again. Exactly at 7 weeks (last 2 Fridays) I started to bleed. Not heavily, but I was all panicked. I didn't have all that 9 years ago. So we went to HUKM Obstectric & Gynaecology Emergency Room, simply because Junior was born there at the Private Wings and they should have all my previous records. Two young female doctors attended me and did Vaginal Exam and Pap Smear to check the cause of the bleeding, fearing any blockage or cervical problems. Then they did this trans-V ultrasound and found a fetus with heartbeat, about 6 weeks 1 day. So I was sent home with only Folic Acid and asked to come again should the bleeding became heavier.

The bleeding didn't stop eventhough it didn't get heavier, so I decided to go to KPJ Ampang Puteri on Monday. I got myself the only available female O & G specialist that time, a very wonderful Indian lady with hair all grey. She did another trans-V ultrasound and the fetus was still there, with heartbeat, about 6 weeks 5 days. And she found another one, still too small to notice any heartbeat. I was overwhelmed and didn't really hear what she was telling me other than to take Folic Acid 3 times daily instead of only once, to get a nab downstairs and Duphaston to strengthen the placenta. I didn't really notice on the dosage I had to take for the Duphaston. Back home, I noticed the pharmacy's description for the Folic Acid and the Duphaston was ONCE daily respectively. I was quite confused, but I decided to take the Folic Acid 3 times and the Duphaston once daily.

The very evening I started to have this severe cramping in the evening and bled quite heavily with dark clots on my pad. My heart sank but I tried not to lose hope. I kept telling my SIL that I might lose the fetus without the heartbeat. I called the gynea's office the next day but quite late in the afternoon to confirm the dosage of the Duphaston ~ the doctor had gone home. Her secretary promised to come back to me first thing the following day. Then yes, the doctor herself spoke to me on Wednesday, confirming the dosage of 3 times daily. She said she'd told me, but I didn't really pay attention. Worse, the pharmacy description didn't telly with her in the first place. But I didn't wanna make fuss about anything. When I told her about the heavy bleeding with dark clots, she said "Ayoyo!". Great. That sure gave me shudders. I asked her should I immediately go to see her, she said "No point. You rest, lie down.. Come to see me Saturday".

I did just that. Resting and lying down. No cramps, no heavy blood after that fateful evening. But I started to feel slight back pain came Friday. So Saturday was around. I got up early in the morning, at 6.05am feeling so anticipated. Dressed up in pink and purple. On the way to the hospital I was quite puzzled by my dream before Fajar Prayer earlier. I was looking for a pair of my shoes in the dream, which were nowhere to be found. But I was too eager to see the doctor that I just brushed off any negative thoughts.

And I was crashed. My womb was empty. Not only the little one without the heartbeat was gone. The one with the heartbeat also was. The doctor was so down, saying I'm so sorry dear.. They must have gone the day you saw the dark clots. I smiled and said it's ok, it wasn't your fault. And then I've been crying ever since.

I was hoping that at least one would survive but yeah, I lost both of them. That really blew me off. Now my womb is empty and my heart is broken. Nothing just makes any sense. No matter how hard I try not to be, I'm still very fragile in every possible way. Yeah, life must go on. It wasn't meant to be. I know I'm going to go through this.. What choice do I have? My other half said I shouldn't have put my hope too high. But how not to after 9 long years of waiting and prayers and hopes? Who am I without hopes? Then again, I understand what he meant. I just need some time. I'm a big girl, yeah. But let me cry...

And I remember what I have forgotten for the past 8 weeks : "Try Not To Put Worldly Gifts At Heart. For It Belongs To The Creator of All Gifts". That's what I learned from Sister Yasmin Mogahed. The double joy I had was short-lived. Given to me by Allah swt. All gifts are supposed to be held in hands, not at heart. For when they are taken away, the heart won't be empty. Yeah, it's not so easy to execute any words. Then again, I'm still a human. All this has humbled me even more. Ya Allah... Do give me strength...!


  1. ......speechless...

    hope u keep strong..
    dont lost hope...k
    keep on praying and trying..
    kalau ada rezeki kita...lambat laun mesti ada
    tp kalau tak ada..mcmana pun kita kena redha kan..
    mungkin takde rezeki kita kt situ..
    ada rezki kita kt sini..
    nk menerimanya tu mmg sukar skit..
    tp..eventually...ur heart will
    becoz i know u are strong...

  2. O crying reading this....
    Nai...sabar n tabah ya...i tak tahu nk ckp apa...i doakan utk u ya nai

    1. I cried while typing this, kanda.. Tq for your empathy and du'a... Love, Nai.

  3. Rasa nk nangis sama2 dgn u baca ni pun mmg dh rs sebak sgt2....i paham..sbb i pun rs yg sama...last month..i langsung tak period...i tot..adalah rezeki.......but..akhirnyaa minggu lepas dia dtg juga...hancur berderai hati......punah takpelah i mmg dh agak mustahil pun utk i concieve sbb kesihatan i tak bp mengizinkan........takpe takpe...ada hikmah sebalik semua ni...i pun sedaya upaya memujuk hati snediri.....

  4. berat mata membaca, berat lagi bahu yg memikul
    baca pn dah sedih.

    be strong akk

    1. Tqvm deq.. Akak mlm td daa bleh tido.. Daa x nanges. Arini makin ok, Alhamdulillah..

  5. I just read and knew about this, Kak.. I'm sorry to hear that :')
    I believe you are a strong woman..
    *sending my biggest hug*

    1. It's ok dear... I grieved for straight 3 days and moved on.. Undergoing my confinement now, tqvm for your support... xoxo.


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